Scared of the Flare

What? People are wearing SLIM FIT jeans now? Are you sure?

I was never a jeans person until skinnies came around. Yes I had a mild flirtation with skater-style wide legs back in the day after watching 10 Things I Hate About You but I see no need to dwell on that period in my life.  When you're relatively munchkin size with proportionally long legs, the flare does you no favours.  If I'd been around in the 70s, I like to think that I would have ignored the flares and maxi trend and stuck with my hot-pants and mini-skirts from the previous decade but now in 2011 people, they're back!

Let me describe your new jeans, so you can prepare for the challenge. They are over-long and over-wide, and, most crucially, they feature a high waist – certainly high enough to hide a belly button, and almost high enough to be on talking terms with your bra. Your body is about to enter a whole new era, my friends, and it may not be a comfy ride.

Derek Lam SS 2011

 High-waist trousers have been gnawing away at the periphery of fashion for years. Marc Jacobs was trying to get us to wear them in 2004, paired with cropped jackets and pussy-bow blouses. We gave them a sniff, and carried on wearing our low-down jeans, at least I did.  High-waists have kept on coming at us, but they’ve never caught on.  This time around, though, there are signs that they’re gaining momentum. The wide-leg, high-rise Marrakesh jeans by MiH have been stealing space in the magazines for a good few months now; at London Fashion Week last month, the high waist was very much in evidence. Kate Moss, Gemma Arterton and Diane Kruger have been giving them a go.And now, even Gap have got in on the act and are pushing them as a big seller for Spring.

The new Gap flare

 Back in the day, when Charlie had Angels and men had perms, high-waist jeans were worn tight enough to show your ovaries, I'm just not up for that. I don't have time to wriggle around on my shag pile carpet, listening to Abba and trying to pull the zip up before spraying my Farrah flicks into place.  The problem is though, that because this new style are slightly looser, on me, they are even more unflattering.  I went and tried on the new ones from Gap. They look huge, like I’m about to wear a pair of denim curtains. Once on, my belly looks as if it’s smuggling contraband. There is nowhere to hide. You can virtually see the cheese and ham croissant I had for breakfast. It’s all rather intimate, with a strong risk of camel toe and – jackpot – my bum looks big. On the practical front, if you tuck in your shirt, as Derek Lam suggests, you will look like you’re housing ferrets. Knickers become a big conundrum too. VPL is very Seventies, isn’t it? Another rarely raised concern that mitigates against the wearing of high-waisters is the appearance of Thigh Crack – that curious crease in the fabric which develops precisely where your legs meet your torso. Nice

J Brand Martini

High-waist trousers are the kind of garment that make you constantly aware of their presence. “Look at me!” they announce as they stride into a room. “Aren’t I clever to have captured the zeitgeist? I’ll just stand here and pose awkwardly for a bit.”

There may well be a middle ground but I haven't found it quite yet.  No matter how you cut it, these trousers are a trial. My advice is to split the difference: go for a flare, but opt for a mid-rise waist. I’ve got my eye on a pair of Flaunts by Citizens of Humanity. Or perhaps J Brand’s Martini cut with its kicky flare and a waistband that sits in just the right, 2011 sort of place. Or think, life's too short and one of the joys of fashion is there are plenty of other trends to choose out there folks, just remember, beware of the flare.

This may well be the only suitable way to wear the flare but please remember to adopt this position at ALL times. 

Maximus Rantus

I’m not sure that anyone has ever pulled off the maxi-skirt..or even if they have managed to look half decent in it, there’s always been a bit of me thinking that I’d prefer to see their legs, maybe I’m actually a misogynist (pause for thought) but really I do think that firstly maxis look good on the tall leggy type (not stunted and dwarfish like myself) but that is immediately followed up by, if you are genetically blessed in that area, why wouldn’t you have your cracking pins out all the time?

I hate long skirts. I mean really loathe them. They make my flesh creep. Not physically – that would be weird – but psychologically I could get quite worked up. Wearing one in 1911, or 1711, or any of the past 2,990 years when the big news in fashion was that skirts were floor-sweeping, again, I understand. To shroud three-fifths of your body in one when you have the choice not to – that’s got to be contrary.  Also if you are 5 foot, five inches or shorter then really anything floor-length or sometimes even ankle grazing, can just shrink you to Borrower height.  However it has not escaped my notice that for the past few years there has been a creeping maxi-misation in the dress department, especially during the warmer months, even Nicole Richie appears to turn into a sub-species of Mama Cass in maxidresses.  I have yet to own a maxi dress but maybe I should ease myself in gently with a maxi-skirt...

But which one? The new maxi is meant to hang slouchily off the hips – the non-lung-threatening equivalent of a ciggie dangling from your lips, perhaps. It mustn’t be tiered, floaty or reminiscent in any way of Woodstock or your old Geography teacher. It mustn’t make you feel like a surrendered wife. Cheap, clingy fabrics are also bad as they accessorise the bumps thus negating the cover up factor.  Taking these into account, this narrowed the field by about 98 per cent.  After beginning to hyperventilate in Selfridges I remembered I already owned a beautiful black fine knit vintage maxi-skirt, although I’d never worn it as a maxi because to my mind, it worked so much better as a strapless dress so I elbow rammed my way back down into the Tube and home!

Next challenge: what to do with it? (Cue lots of fiddling about in front of the bathroom mirror and turning bedroom into a bombsite).   American Vogue puts them with jackets, shirts – whatever you’d wear with a shorter skirt.  I am unconvinced by this. In reality, anything too formal above the waist looks peculiar and rather 19^th century. Keeping it simple – a good T-shirt, a slouchy boyfriend cardigan, a nice belt and some slightly odd sandals to remind everyone that you’re not Nanny McPhee – seems to do the trick.  Also I think accessories are important as my beautiful and incredibly stylish friend Anna taught me (when I refused to wear anything but studs in my ears) a good pair of earrings can transform a look.

Maybe maxis can even be seen as liberating – from fake tans, high heels (long skirts look wrong with most of them), the “Do my legs look like sausages in this?” dilemma…

I can’t see them catching on when you’ve got a serious appointment in the boardroom or a hot date, but Lisa Armstrong at the Times said that they’re perfect, “on those mornings when it’s not quite cold enough to wear thick black tights, but not sufficiently tropical to go bare-legged, the maxi may have something.”  Well dear, I say, don’t wear thick black tights, wear opaque..even leggings! In fact, trousers, to be fair, have the same something, but sometimes you can’t face yet another day in jeans, so go wild and embrace the chino as a Spring/ Summer alternative.

American Vogue, by the way, has tried to give the maxi skirt a swishy modern feel by announcing that the new way with skirts is to wear long during the day, short at night.  This put thoughts of Bucks Fizz into my mind, leaping out of the office after a hard day’s slog and ripping the bottom part of my skirt off to signify partaaaaaay time. No thanks. 

Is it me? I mean I know La Moss can pull of pretty much anything..but I remain convinced that full length is not the best look for anyone..

 The skinny black maxi shirt as favoured by Nicole Ritchie, looking a lot less like Mama Cass than last Summer it must be acknowledged..

 And finally Mary Kate Olsen, giving her own spin on Morticia Adams style. Case closed.